genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
