Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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