Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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