Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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