My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
