Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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