I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
