To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
