My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
