Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
