i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
