if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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