Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
