Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
