M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
