i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
