Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
