So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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