he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
