It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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