Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
