You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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