is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
