i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
