In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Girls should come with a carfax report
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
