hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
