i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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