he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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