Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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