Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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