yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
