I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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