you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
