Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
