I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
