I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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