Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
