Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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