Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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