I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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