If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
