also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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