I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
