Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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