I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
