Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
