I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You are a genius and a whore.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
