WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
