I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
