I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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