I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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