oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
