i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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