sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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